lalala

my secret place

2011-03-13T12:49:00.002+08:00

i need to find some time alone. away from everyone and everything. to just sort out my thoughts and feelings i guess. things had been going so fast the past week or so.

maybe its time to find god. just put down everything for a moment. please.

2011-02-13T00:52:00.002+08:00

there's just so much i want to say..

nua

2011-01-28T01:48:00.003+08:00

i was typing a post halfway when it got disrupted and i dont really feel like continuing on it now. i just feel like lazing like i had been doing since lessons for the day ended.

bleh

2011-01-19T23:08:00.002+08:00

i am not gg to talk to my boyfriend. at least not for the next 24hrs bleh. and i shall not think about him and let it affect the awesome day i'm gg to have tmr heh.

meeting ivan (and friends) for lunch tmr!!! he had been away in sweden for soooo long lol. anw i'm gg to get my bday pressie which jo bought hehe. tatty bear tatty bear tatty bearXD hehehe. going for abnormal psych lecture with deb after that. and we'll be heading down to amk to meet cheryl after that! dinner and camwhoring with besties (in specs)=D whoohoo!

i'm feeling much better after just blogging and msging my besties lol.

alright i'm tired now. time to wash up and hug the tatty bear bff and ryan bought me for my (real) 18th bdae to dreamland! nites!

timetableeeee!!

2011-01-18T21:36:00.002+08:00

i have come to my netbook countless times since 5pm just to check my email for the results of my tutorial balloting. and its still not out! rah. i really hope my timetable turns out fine! pls have mercy on me cors. (ps. i think i alr had a bad enough experience with you this sem rah)

lalala

2011-01-17T17:10:00.002+08:00

one of my goals for 2011 is to: learn to cook!
mummy cooked today!^^ it wasnt really nice but its still home cooked food heh. i rmb how much i hated eating home cook food when i was a kid. not anymore though. i kind of missed eating home cooked food these days=(

anw i like the current state of my room=D its so neat and tidy nowXD been packing my room all day. time to do other stuff now before heading to cine(:

btw i want a pet dog/cat/bunny!!!

my week!

2011-01-16T11:45:00.003+08:00

hello!

its been more than a week. haha. so i guess my blogging hasnt really resumed to being that regular heh.

hmmm.. alright shall state (not describe) what i have been doing lol.

last thurs: chinatown with mummy! (its been damn long since i went out with her heh. from what i rmb the last time we really went out tgt was for reunion dinner lol. aside from that i guess it was just trips to the hospital, ntuc and church?? lol. but i still do love my mummy!!!)
met priya and cheryl at orchard and went to suntec for dinner at astons and dessert at waffles cottage after that(:

last fri: spent the first few hours of fri searching for alt mods to take cos i didnt mannage to get my el mod. i can now understand why ppl hate CORS so much. it seriously sucks when you spend time and effort planning your timetable and it gets screwed up cos you kant get a mod. anw couldnt find any alternatives and ended up paying 740+ points for my el mod (which i'm taking only to fulfil moe's requirement grrr)
met besties at vivo after that!=) finally find my silver cotton on pumps. i'm so loyal to them^^ haha! walked around before gg to arcadeXD played ddr, para para, basketball, hammer game and some ex pirate ship game hehe. visit pet shop! shopped at daiso aft that where i bought some random (but useful) stuff. alright maybe useful doesnt apply to one of the items i bought: bunny ears hahaha. but its cuteXD

last sat: had my first piano lesson for WD2!XD and i felt damn noob there like i didnt belong there lol. my classmates are all like in grade5/6.
bought stuff (like my 2011 schedule=D)
went to baby's house to make my specs after that!
went to jurong east swimming pool (the place i almost drown the last time i went with bff lol) for our 4th month=D it was rather funXD realised it was rather small though heh. anw the slides are really fun=D
had dinner before heading to jp.. where the terror begins. had cramps. like chronic cramps that sucks. (yea my period came just after i went swimming lol) so had to head home in agony. excruciating pain. i hate cramps!!!

last sun: (cramps still acting up a little) went for svc which was a little boring heh. ate texas chicken with baby after that(: went to ehub where baby tried to sell his tix. went to arcade after that and played the ghost game i rmb playing with vivianXD and that was all i could take with my sucky cramps. watched love and other drugs after that. didnt really like it, though the ending is not bad. went for dinner at tony romas with baby for part 2 of our 4th monthXD hehe. yum yum=D

mon: school started! alright i wasnt supposed to go to sch but received a msg the night before that there is an intro lecture for my bahasa mod which was supposedly 1hr but was eventually 30min. did some "admin" stuff at home before gg to sch.
decided to be a nice gf and meet my baby at bpp cos he missed me hahaha!XD ate overpriced tang yuan and bought highlighters lol.
rmb feeling damn sian on mon bout the fact that i travel to sch just for a half an hr lecture which i went by myself cos ivan an yanbo couldnt get the mod=(

tues: decided to stay at home and do all the stuff i was supposed to have done at home during the hols but failed to cos i was hardly home. met baby at somerset after that and ate at din tai feng and he attempted to help me recall how to play pool for a while heh.

wed: went to school at 9am (which is damn early for me!) for bahasa placement test. knew i would fail it but didnt expect my whole paper to be blank except for 2 numbers in malay and the sentence "my family has 5 ppl" lol. oral made me feel like a fool too. anw met some nice ppl during the placement test and chatted with them(: decide to read my neglected story book during my long break (and bumped into a number of ppl like nun and divya^^) when boon asked me for lunch(: more tang yuan! not really nice though heh. went for stats lecture with deb and joshua after that(: bought textbooks with deb after sch

thurs: went for abnormal psych lecture where i met boon (in my failed attempt to spot phoneless deb who was late and joined us later)^^ bought more tb aft that with deb. damn ex!! lol. went to lot one mccafe to use the com while waiting.. my fav cinamon melts=D but i still miss my mini cinnamon donuts from df! collected my specs with baby! (who was feeling angsty that day cos of horrible work=/ and i couldnt do anything about it oh well.) went over to his house for a while after that where he finally wasnt angsty hehe(:

fri: went for english lecture and met a pretty nice gal who was majoring in el and got the mod at 1 point lol. balloted for tut (praying that i get my ideal timetable!!!), printed notes and did readings for abnormal psych. went for sea lecture after that, where junwei spotted me lol. deb came late tsk tsk. met junwei on my way out and took the bus with him(: met jianwei at the mrt station who claimed that like his other friends i made him do stupid things (cos he did somtehing rather stupid on the train lol). went to smu for yep interview. i really suck at interview. anw headed home aft that and found a tuition assignment that i like=D sec 3 a/e-math, chem and physics. so now i can teach my bro (who is in sec 3) and tutor someone else his level too hehe. btw jc tuition rates are really high and tempting (esp with the number of jc assignments i have been offered). but no i shall not do it just for the money! anw junwei texted me about the thailand trip he had msg me bout during se lecture and told me bout on the bus, and so well.. i'm going to thailand from the 4th to the 6th with junwei and my baby!XD yay!!!=D but that also meant that my 5k from moe was being exhausted (with hk trip, bintan trip and all now thailand trip, oh and shopping too) but still i was super happy on fri nite!XD a nice tuition assignment and a thailand trip to look forward to=D=D=D

sat: went for piano, where i really sucked even though i really did practised! reminded me of guitar days lol. study alr still fail doesnt really apply to me but practise alr still noob sure does apply lol. i did improve from last week though(: just that they went on to new stuff lol. my music bg is really pathetic and i kant decipher the notes of the melody and sync my right and left hands when my right hand has to play the melody and my left hand plays a chord, at least i kant without lots of practise. but the ppl there can do it like instantaneously! oh well, i think 2 of them are like alr playing the keyboard in their church lol.
anw went to ntuc with mummy after that(: came home! went to ikea with daddy and mummy after that to buy a desk for me and my bro (which cost 39 bucks only heh). bought drawers and some storage hanging thing for myself too(: and my parents are quite cute hehe. with my mummy trying to suan my daddy subtly and my daddy replying as if he doesnt know what she's talking about (when he obviously does lol). and my mummy stopping me from getting everything i want cos "its white and will get dirty", "it will collect dust", "it takes up a lot of space", "its expensive" lol. while my daddy will just keep asking me to just get what i want haha. with mummy trying to change the color of the legs (from white) of my desk while daddy guards them for me haha. anw it has been a long long while since i went out with both my parents.like really long. yea guess the last time i went out with daddy was reunion dinner too. and i dont even go to ntuc with him unlike with mummy lol.
anw so daddy dropped me off at cine to watch burlesque with the cg (ra *no longer eraXD*, ivan, mel, mars, ash, jo, ada, jess, her sis and lyn) aft that=D it was nice!XD baby joined us aft the movie. he didnt join us for the movie cos apparently he was sleep talking when i asked him if he want to watch lol. anw went to food republic after that where i brought over plain tang yuan from cafe graffiti. its yum yum!=D i shall eat it reguarlyXD haha. it tastes like the ones i ate when i was in kindergarden at my grandma's neighbour's house lol. hang around with baby aft that

sun: went for svc with bff and baby(: svc was awesome heheXD had lunch with cg after that. ryan and ashleen kope 4/5 cups of milo from the milo van! haha. and the 4 of us got everyone else attracted to the initially forsaken milo van lol. went to bedok for lunch at macs.
hurried down to sengkang for my first tuition lesson which ran smoothly and was gooood=D thankfully my stranger phobia didnt act up heheXD could click with my student yay! haha. and my chem stuff is largely still in my brain lol.
came home to drop my certs and change before meeting baby downstairs and gg to whampoa mkt with him and his boyfriend(s). decided to come home aft that and not head to town with them. practised a little of piano! filled up my vision card for 2011 and slacked on the com hehe^^

done updating! it was supposed to be really brief. i dunno what happened lol. anw i had wanted to blog about something else de! something other than just stating what i have been doing the past week which is kind of lame i realise lol. something more reflective. oh well maybe i'll blog again when i rmb. then again maybe i wont be back so soon hee.

byeeee!

(madness) baking with besties=D

2011-01-06T01:23:00.003+08:00

waiting for my hair to dry early in the morning/late at night again -.-

had a fun day today=D hehe. went to deb's house with cheryl(: bought stuff at nex. baked orange chocolate cupcakes which turned out yummy ^^ played monopoly deal and camwhore(: played game of life aft that and we got high hahaha. started taking photos with "money" in the air. and we had a crazy idea after that! did a video of whip my hair lol. looking back it was damn lame and retarded hahaha. but it was fun when we were doing it all heheXD love my besties ♥♥♥

went to meet baby at ps after that(: ate cupcakes and sushi and tang bu shuai. (and i'm eating chips now. i really dunno why ppl think i'm ano-.-) anw walked around ps before going over to his house where he was spouting nonsense again hahaha!

btw school is gg to start! i'll miss my holidays which had been really fun and packed with stuff heheXD

anw i think i need a new blogskin! (since i'm no longer saying goodbye to this blog hehe)

hello again!=)

2011-01-05T02:16:00.002+08:00

waiting for my hair to dry at 2am in the morning -.-

i'm actually thinking of blogging regularly again hehe. (yes instead of blogging only when i'm damn emo or randomly)

reasons why i should blog regularly again:

- i really really really miss blogging.
- i can relive moments of my life while blogging bout them(:
- i can look back at my blog posts in the future and "hui wei" these times(:
- blogging is a time to reflect on life.
- blogging allows me to express my innermost thoughts and emotions through writing (or rather typing)
- and well i realised while typing my "goodbye 2010" post that maybe its kind of hard to sum up an entire year in a single post so maybe i should just blog regularly

reasons why i should not blog!!!

- its super time consuming!!!=(
but then again maybe (just maybe) it aint exactly a waste of time hehe. for all you know maybe i'll be a future mitch albom and all my blogging will be a stepping stone to that hahaha. fine i'm crapping. but then again you never know right. alright besides these crappy reasons, maybe blogging aint really a waste of time cos... urm cos of the aforementioned reasons to blog hahaha.
- lack of privacy
i know i can make my blog private but i tried it before and i dunno but it kind of like doesnt work. i guess making my blog private to only myself makes me feel like i have something to hide and making my blog private to just a few friends make me feel like i'm blogging with an audience of my friends in mind. in short a private blog is just different. but then again, given how dead my blog has been i guess not many ppl come here anymore

well so i guess in the end of the day i have decided to start blogging again this new year!=D (so yes derrick kwok kuku you can keep my blog link on your bookmark and continue stalking me hahahaXD)

after not blogging for so long, i kind of like dont know where to start..

nothing

2010-12-25T14:59:00.002+08:00

just feel like nua-ing at home now heh. realise i have hardly been home this month.

so i guess i shouldnt go for the party tonight..

you're my everything

2010-12-18T00:50:00.003+08:00

all i ever want
all i ever need
all i ever have is you..

gg back to church and cg this weekend=)

no one else matters in this world but you
no one can take my place in your heart, jesus♥

at midnight

2010-12-18T00:02:00.001+08:00

ended up crying. freak.
should seriously just get off the com NOW
and go running!

...

2010-12-17T23:57:00.002+08:00

alright i admit i'm emoing right now.
i just kant stop thinking bout it. freak.
and i guess a part of me did consider giving up.
maybe i should go running now..
running at midnight lol.
hopefully running in the night will make me feel better!

041210

2010-12-04T23:29:00.001+08:00

=D =D =D

maybe i got a little too inward-looking..

041210

2010-12-04T08:21:00.006+08:00

"today is the best day of my life!"
guess i really need mr koo's wise words to start my day
cos i'm seriously not in the best of mood. and this sucks.

freaking cried in the cab and cried myself to sleep. wts.

maybe i'm just pmsing
or maybe its just cos..

my bff turned down baby's invite to the bbq cos of her uni db frenz.

and my fren who told me to keep my afternoon free way in advance confirmed the meeting the day before my bday but canceled on me a couple of hours after it turned 12. yea and so now my aftnn is left empty. maybe i should just go for cg. but i seriously kant be sitting on the floor for 2hrs in my dress lol.

maybe i should be more understanding and whatever. but i guess like what deb posted "I expect smth frm u cos I know I'd do that for u. and I'm upset when u don't cos it makes me feel tt I mean less to u than u are to me." i would never have missed any of my best friend's bday for a bunch of my other friends. neither would i ever cancel on someone on his/her bday at the last minute.

anw and it sucks to feel that a friend had just made use of you, of your birthday. when to that friend it wasnt really about you. it really sucks when your bday isnt really about you. when it was coming from someone you truly regarded as a real friend. to think i actually felt bad about my decision the other time and wanted to help you guys. anw i really did try not to get too upset bout that. aft all i wanted to help you guys. i'm ok if you had just treated my bday as my day and someone else's day too. but seriously its just too much when it feels that to you my bday was never even about me at all. i tried not to get upset over it but i guess i just couldnt.

i guess i sound so selfish wanting everything to be all about me. but seriously half the time i'm living my life for others, especially my bro. and he freaking just complained that i havent been helping him (and wanted me to cancel my plans for today before realising that its actually my bday today. so much for claiming that he loves me to bits and pieces crap.) anw like hello who was the one who did your entire crm report instead of enjoying her holiday and had to endure all your nonsense and sucky attitude. who was the one who had spent hours and hours teaching you diffrentiation during her holidays. and btw your maths seriously sucks. and really its not as if i had nothing better to do or was bored. i freaking had to cancel my plans all the time to help you. and my mum was just going on just a while ago about the one time i had decided that i should live for myself. sorry but i really dont want to spend my life as an accountant or engineer. maybe i will regret my decision. but even if i do regret, let it be over a decision i made, not over one you made for me. and yea maybe once again i will realise that i am just too idealistic, perhaps naive even and should have been more realistic and less dreamy. but still, i just got to do it. anw back to it, kant things just be about me for this one day. it doesnt have to be all about me but at least something about me..

or maybe i should just stop treasuring birthdays and just treat them as just another day. but the fact is that birthdays are impt to me. not just my birthday but birthdays of ppl i love too. maybe its just cos of the fact that i really hated the fact that i wasnt supposed to celebrate my bday cos some fortune teller freaking said it was a bad day. when you live years of your life with your family telling you that your birth was a curse it kinds of occur to you how significant a birthday is simply cos it signifies celebration of the birth of someone, the existence of the person. rather than seeing it as a curse.

oh and before i forget while i was crying on the cab i freaking had to receive a msg from someone. i'm sorry i broke your heart. but seriously its alr so damn long. and its not as if its really all my fault. i never had the intention to hurt you. like hello its not as if i ever flirted with you or seduced you or whatever. and i tried my best to make things right and help you as a friend. but you freaking went crazy and i really dont know what to do. so forget it. seriously why do such things have to happen on this day. i hear a voice (not literal duh) saying cos its a cursed day. crap.

oh and i was left out cos of my birthday??? nvm.

and guess i kant stand myself too. for being so idealistic and expecting so much. yea even if i would expect myself to fulfil those expectations for my friends on their birthdays too. for being so anal instead of being grateful for what i have. like the 350bucks i got from moe at such a nice timing and the 100 bucks my dad gives as a routine each year to show that he still rmbs me and the 500 bucks my mum is giving for my hk trip. yea money money money. money do make me happy. yes i'm materalistic oh whatever. but seriously, i guess what i really want to know is that you really do love me. and no money doesnt prove that. its the thought that counts. a simple self-made paper flower can make my day when its given with a sincere heart. i kant say that of your money.

anw i just feel like such an asshole i guess. why kant i just freaking be happy with what i have. i hate the fact that my baby tried to make me happy but in the end i just had to disappoint him when its really not his fault at all. and mok actually came even though he was sick. and yes shy me was damn unfriendly and dao last nite. i just hate it that i'm ruining it for others. ppl who actually deserve better.

alright shall let it go after all these ranting. i was reading my old blog post while reading my posts on my bday celebration the last two years. i kind of miss blogging. like real blogging and not just turning here when i feel like i need to write all my rants down somewhere lol.

i'm gonna smile cos i deserve to.
but then again i'm seriously not good at faking smiles lol. i can just that it really doesnt look good or real heh. oh well.

"today is the best day of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yea!

i'm going to be happy cos
my awesome boyfriend organized a bbq
and he got a cake for me!
ebc (bff and ryan) got me a pretty white dress
and there's still part 2!
besties made a pretty card for me!
ding got me a necklace
my newest best fren ivan koo and jo
are gg to celebrate on tues nite!
cg is gonna celebrate my bday this weekend!
yes i know haha.
i'm gg to have a bday dinner with piglet tonight!
of all the birthday wishes i got!
i'm gg to hongkong!!!!
i got moneyyyy from my parents!!
and 19 years ago i was born!
and i'm forever 18!!!

yes stop being such an asshole. heck those stuff that upset me. its simply not worth it. i should just be happy for myself and for the people who care for me hehe and not allow those irritating shit to ruin my day and dampen the mood of others. you know i'm actually happy now whooo! i'm not lying. i'm honestly not good at pretending to be happy lol

TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
hahaha.
cos its my birthday!!!!=D
and cos of all the awesome ppl in my life!
love you guys lots!

i hate fats!!!

2010-11-30T20:25:00.001+08:00

i miss the body i had just one month ago=( =( =(

in you alone i place my trust ♥

2010-11-05T22:49:00.003+08:00

"in every victory let it be said of me
my source of strength
my source of hope
is christ alone"

http://www.metrolyrics.com/in-christ-alone-lyrics-brian-littrell.html

just happened to hear this song while slacking on the com (cos i'm stuck in bed with a bad bad headache. rah.)

=(

2010-11-05T22:15:00.000+08:00

swimming in a whirlpool.

my headache is paralysing me=(

(:

2010-11-04T21:34:00.004+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1WYd732SeI&feature=related

I've always been the kind of girl
that hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
what i've got to say
But i have this dream
bright inside of me
I'm gonna let it show, it's time
To let you know, to let you know...

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where im supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now i've found, who i am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who i wanna be
This is me

Do you know what it's like
to feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
where you're the shining star
Even though it seems,
like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself,
it's the only way...

You're the voice i hear inside my head
The reason that im singin'
I need to find you
I gotta find you
You're the missing piece i need
The song inside of me
I need to find you
I gotta find you

This is me
(You're the missing piece i need the song inside of me)
This is me, Yeah
(You're the voice i hear inside my head, the reason that im singing)

living life with a purpose, vision and dream. for you.

misunderstood

2010-11-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

we really are ignorant. we dont really see the full picture. we dont always see beneath the surface.

you think you know but actually you dont know..

blabbering

2010-10-23T10:08:00.010+08:00

i found a new fav website KidsGiveMeHope(:

anw i was just thinking.. i never really wanted to be a primary sch teacher. i guess honestly its mainly cos of materialistic and practical reasons. heh. and well besides that i guess i do doubt my ability. well, i think i'm better at using my brain than utilizing my social skills. i am far from being a social butterfly. haha. and a primary sch teacher kinds of need more of the latter than the former compared to higher levels of education. and i have never tried teaching in a pri sch before. so i guess i find it kind of scary. heh.

but over the past year i begin to realise that maybe its really something for me. afterall i dont really have a strong passion for a single subject. and during my internship training, the principal conducting the course had started by emphasizing the need to have a strong passion for the subject you are teaching to be a great teacher (which is kind of true when i think of some of the good teachers i have come across). so i guess i shouldnt really specialize in a single subject. esp since though i do like most of those subjects i used to take in sch, i realise that the higher the level and the deeper i got into those subjects the more meaningless and irrelevant i found them to be, at least to me. i mean basic science is important but really some of the stuff i learnt in jc are like so irrelevant to life, once again at least to my life. and i kant imagine furthering my studies in those subjects in uni. for now i'm really glad and do not regret the fact that i chose to major in psych after all the struggle(: haha. alright i realise i'm just blabbering on and on. ignore me. haha.

anw well, i realise that i really do love kids. hahaha. i like the way they think. i like being in their simple world. maybe its kind of like a way to reconcile the fact that i like things simple even though i may be complicated. heh. of all the cards i kept in the past few years, my fav is one which spelt "love" as "loev", "teacher" as "teache" for the simple fact that it was written out of a simple love so pure and true, a love so innocent, a kind of love that is hard to find in the world today. awww.. haha!

and well, personally i do believe that childhood is an important aspect of one's life.

there's so much i want to say (or rather type) but i'm supposed to be catching up on my studies considering that i hadnt been studying at all the past week. i was attentive in lectures though and i was a nice gem term paper partner to ivan and jo. haha.

"when i'm weak you are strong, you're my feet when i kant move on. you're the light in the dark, you're the whisper inside my heart." once again you showed me that even when i'm faithless, you remain faithful. and once again, who you are and the way you work amazes me.

"whatever it is rmb that success and failure belongs to god. at the end of the day all that remains is the fact that you are a child of god."

i learnt this week that i really kant live without you. that without you i am really nothing. and that's what being attentive in sociology lecture taught me this week too. haha. that truly you're irreplacable and i am dependent on you.

"let him who thinks he stands be careful that he doesnt fall". you really dunno what can happen. sometimes we tend to place judgements on others action. thinking that they are foolish, heartless blah blah blah. but well, what happened that night and this week's psych lecture (which was apparently in my soci readings which i hardly do=/) taught me that you really dunno what you might do in a similar situation. you might think you know, but you really kant be that sure. you really dunno what you will do. but i guess no matter what i can always count on you(: thank you for not letting go.

and i love my baby for lifting me up agian by just being there for me when all i had wanted was to sink in despair alone.. awww(: haha.

anw i was being kind of anti social last week. was supposed to go for two group dinners on mon and tues but just felt like being alone. wasnt exactly alone in the end though. haha. anw i was reading my old blog entries and realised that during the week i was thinking about something similar to what i had once blogged about. its kind of like about socialization and emotional regulation. that through life we have learnt to wear a mask and hide the unhappiness within us. its not like i do it intentionally. rather its kind of like a sub conscious thing to me. i'm not really trying to hide how i feel its just that i kant really show/express it. i used to wear my heart on my sleeves, but i guess its true that you soon learn how unwise it is to do so, whether consciously or sub-consciously. for one i dont want my sadness to affect the ppl around me. and well, maybe that's one reason why i like being alone when i'm upset. cos that's when i can really feel how i really feel. and i was thinking, when i'm "happy" around others when i'm kind of like emo-ing, is it cos being around them really makes me happy and overwhelms my unhappiness or am i just kind of like being polite and in a sense just concealing my unhappiness. i guess sometimes its one, sometimes its the other and sometimes its a mixture of both. i guess its more of the former when i'm around ppl i'm close to and more of the later around mere acquaintance. afterall, when i'm with real friends i do show signs of my sadness even if i do not express it explicitly. so in a sense i aint really hiding anything. and when i smile or laugh with them its really cos they make me happy. this kind of doesnt really apply to acquaintances or friends i aint really close to. sometimes i may seem to be happier around them. but it aint really genuine i guess. maybe that's why i would rather stay away from them when i'm upset. i really hate to wear a mask. yet at times it really is necessary i guess. ok maybe what i'm writing doesnt really make sense. haha.

anw i know that at the end of the day my bro still loves me (even though he's loves himself soooooo much that at times it doesnt seem to be so haha). and so do my mum (even though she's still biased heh). and i love them too! haha

things to do today:
psych reading for this week.
stats reading for this week.
(i have been quite faithful in my psych and stats reading aft midterms upon realising that chionging the whole textbook in 3days/one day before the exam respectively is really quite stressful and too exciting for me. haha.)
soci readings (which i'm at week 5 for text and week 2 for coursepack. and its freaking alr week 10. rah!)

soci midterms and stat assignment due on thurs!
and i need to start posting stuff on gem forum to get marks. lol.

i shall be a good gal and stay home to catch up on my work today after slacking all my free time the past week away and staying out late every night the past week except on thurs. oh btw i had an awesome day of retail therapy ytd=D shopping!!! it ate up quite a bit of my allowance from moe though. heh. anw so yup study today and from mon to thurs and i shall be out tmr and on fri!XD

oh freak. i just rmb that i was slacking the past week and didnt keep my to do list/schedule and i forgot to do my rp questionaire online! ops=/ shall go now!

omg i have spent so much time blogging. today is supposed to be studies chionging day! i want to be able to go out tmr! lol

shhh..

2010-10-20T14:34:00.000+08:00

i dont want to think bout it

white flag

2010-10-17T02:59:00.009+08:00

the third time i really broke down this year. did i mention that all three times it was cos of my bro and partly cos of my mum.

there's so much i want to write. i just want to pen down all that went through my mind the past 3 hrs.

i really feel so tired of it all. so tired of trying to live my life. tired of trying to be free. tired of pursuing my dreams and destiny. tired of fighting.

it really sucks, when the people you are fighting against are your "family". people whom you really love. people who are supposed to love you. people who are supposed to bring you closer to your dreams. people who are supposed to be there for you. yet more often than not, i find that i will be grateful if you guys will just leave me alone. seriously.

for the first time in five years, i made a decision to give up. to give up on my life. all my visions and dreams. all i had been living for the past five years. all i had been striving for. sorry daddy god. but i really dont see how i can carry on.

many people know that my bro kind of controls my life. but still they are unaware of the extent he does it. many people have asked me again and again why is it so that i dont stand up for myself. sometimes i do bother explaining it to people who are more likely to understand. but still, it seems that no one really gets it. and well that's understandable considering that i myself will find it totally absurb and ridiculous if not for the simple fact that its happening to me. anw, i did try to stand up for myself. many times in fact. but each time i just get defeated. each time it ends up worse. what can he do to me? the question so many people have asked. well he can hit me. and that isnt the worse of it. actually, what can he not do? even my parents kant do anything about it. and well, that's where my mum comes in.

it's bad enough that she kant do anything to help me and my younger bro. and i dont really blame her for that. what i kant stand is the fact that often she will fight for my younger bro at the expense of me. she scolds my older bro when he asks my young bro to buy him something from the minimart downstairs when my young bro is watching tv. and yet it is perfectly fine for my bro to disrupt me for hours(literally hours) when i'm studying. and when my older bro gives me ten stuff to do and i give the easiest one of the ten to my younger bro to do, i get scolded for it. and yet my older bro never really gets scolded for the ten things he pushed to me until it involves my young bro. so in the end everything just gets pushed to me. and the point is that its not as if mushi is even doing anything fruitful. he's like facing the tv screen or com screen all the time.

so the logic is that, when mushi doesnt do well for his exams it is our fault for disturbing him. even though he doesnt even bother studying at all. like seriously, he even told me that his exam week is better than holidays cos there's no cca and lessons and he just go to sch for 2hrs and come back and slack. and yet even though i am being disturbed at least 10 times more by my bro who takes up lots of my time, its my fault for going to church and going out too much if i dont do well for my exams. even though the time i go to church and go out is much much less than the time my bro spends slacking. and its not as if i go out more than an average person or neglect my studies. in fact, i hardly even slack online, on fb/msn, watch tv or dramas. i have alr sacrificed all these entertainment. kant i even go to church for god and go out for my friends. yet to you it seems that my life should jus revolve around sch and home. study hard in sch and come "home" to a place like hell. did it ever occur to you that maybe the only thing that had sustained me all these years were god and my friends. have you ever thought for a moment that maybe you guys have been the one holding me back while they have been they way keeping me going. that you guys are the hindrance to my studies while they have been my support. that i have only held on these years because they had made up for what this home had failed to give me.

and so you think that i havent put in enough effort in my studies? like hello. you think its that easy to get all those As when your bro takes up hours of your time each day. you think its effortless to get those grades living in a dysfuntional family who brings you much grater sorrow than joy. and i go to church because i know i wont be able to do it if not for god. and i need to have some balance in my life too and kant be just studying all the time right. and before you compare my A level grades with deb's and ding's straight As and saying that i should have studied harder for my h3, why dont you first compare their families and mine. for a start they dont have a brother to eat up their time and energy. they werent doing projects for their brother during A lvl. their parents werent discussing their divorce during their A levels. oh and it sure doesnt help that when you and daddy were discussing your divorce the issue wasnt even about the custody of your children but rather the distribution of property and finance. wow i feel so loved by my parents who are just so encouraging during my A levels. And btw ding and deb have maids at home which i obviously dont and it sure doesnt help that my older bro treats me as his maid. i just dont see why you should be unsatisfied wth my results all the time. and even if you are unsatisfied with my results why kant you see that just as how you had identified in my younger bro's case (even though how my older bro disturbs him is insignificant compared to how he disturbs me) that the problem is that my older bro is disturbing me too much. and so, considering the fact that my parents are divorcing and dont really care about me (as my mum clearly stated that her fav child is my young bro and that sons are better than daughters which put me nowhere) and that my older bro treats me as a slave (seriously) isnt it enough that i have made it this far in my studies. i could only have made it this far in life with god. all that this house had failed to provide for me, i found it in him. he is the only reason why i kept fighting on. so in a sense you have alr reaped more than you have sowed in me, considering that you havent really sown much.

anw right now, i'm really tired of continue this fight. i'm tired of having to plead with my bro to let me study. tired of pleading with my bro to let me go to the lib one day before my exam. tired of asking my bro to let me go to sch for lessons. tired of having to fight for my right to go to church. tired of getting you guys to allow me to serve. tired of having to plead to be able to hang out with my friends. tired of trying to mantain peace in this family. tired of being a filial daughter. tired of trying to get you to understand. tired of breaking out of this slavery. you saw the way he treated me. like a slave, a dog, dirt. you witnessed it and yet all you could say was that i should just stop going to church and going out. like, how is that supposed to save me from my bro. you just keep saying that i should stay at home more. but for what? to serve my bro even more?

this has happened so many times. and this time i'm giving you what you had asked of me the past 5 years. cos i'm really tired of standing up for myself. i'm giving up. yet i hear you telling me not to give up on myself because you have not given up on me. but, i really kant hold on anymore. the thought of commiting suicide came back just now. the only thing that stopped me was the thought of being separated from you for eternity. sorry but i'm really not that strong.

i'm giving up. like what joe had done. like what my younger bro had alr done years back. he had given up even though he had you. i didnt have anyone for me in this home after grandpa died. raymond doesnt dictate his life as much as he dictates mine. not even near to it. i had held on the past years. but today..

i had believed in my destiny in you, in the dreams you had placed in my heart. that i will be able to overcome all these as i keep holding on and later on in life i will be able to help others in similar situations overcome it too and really make a difference in people's lives. and i had held on but i'm letting go.. i'm really not that strong

maybe tmr i will wake up from it all and take back my decision. but then again, when will be the next time i break down again? will this ever end? what will happen the next time round? i dont want to be banging my head against the wall. its tiring pursuing my own destiny while being my bro's slave.

i dont want anything right now. i want to give up. to let go of it all. i dont want to go to church. i dont want to serve. i dont want first class honours. i dont want to hang on to my relationship with god. i dont want to care about my family. i dont want to care about my friends. i dont want my dreams. i kant find the strength to hold on anymore. sorry i'm such a loser.

yes you are getting what you want now. i wont fight for my right to go to church or hang out with my friends. and god was the only reason why i had strived to excel in my studies despite all the difficulties. and he has been my source of strength. in other words, by giving up on him i am giving up on my academic excellence too. he was the reason why i held on to everything i had held on to till now. but today you have got what you wanted. i'm not going for service later. i dont want to do anything. i will have to do all that raymond ask me too though. and i will cos i really dont have the strength to do otherwise. it will probably be sad and all but what can i do..

i really dont want to let go. but i really dunno what i can do. and i'm really tired. with whatever little that still remains in me, i still love you. i know its hard to believe but it really is true. i just kant find the strength to hold on anymore. i'm really sorry i'm letting you down. yet even right now you are telling me that even if i let go, you will still hold on tightly onto me and never let me go.

but i'm really tired. i'm letting go, giving up. it's no longer christ in me, its just me alone. with no dreams, no visions. just getting by life without a goal, without a sense of purpose, with no direction, no longer striving for anything but accepting things as they are.. maybe my destiny wasnt mine to begin with. not when i'm in such a family, a slave.

i know i said that this life i have i will live for you. but well, i guess even though i did not really commit suicide just now i had died on the inside. i am breathing but i guess i'm not really living but have resigned to it all..

my head is aching. time to try catch some sleep..

2010-09-29T10:17:00.000+08:00

you're more than enough(:

place called home

2010-09-27T07:53:00.002+08:00

it sucks when your supposed place of refuge seems more like a warzone. when the people who are supposed to be your pillar of support seem to be more like a hindrance. when the people whom you choose to love constantly cause you to be on the verge of hating them. at good times it doesnt really bother me that much. but at times of stress, i really feel an urge to run away and get out of here. but then again, i kant. a huge part of me yearns to be free.. it sucks to mean nothing at home. when your purpose of existence seem to be solely to benefit other members at the expense of yourself. to be deprived of freedom. to be treated as a slave.

i turn away from all these to you..

back to preparing for the two papers later.

080910

2010-09-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

♥

confusion

2010-09-05T19:02:00.002+08:00

i dunno.
and i dont want to think about it.

set my feet in your ways
to live worthy of your call..

graduation

2010-08-29T22:18:00.000+08:00

slow down..

2010-08-22T23:11:00.004+08:00

i miss blogging. i really do.. which is why i'm here despite the many things undone on my to-do list.
once again, i find myself wishing i had more time to do what i want to do instead of struggling trying to keep up with what i have to do. havent been getting sufficient sleep in my desperate attempt to get more time. i really wish i could spend more time with/on the people i love and i guess i long for more time for myself too.. i'm yearning for some "me-time" to reflect and just slack around.

Reflection - Christina Aguilera
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzHR0IErM60

i need some time to find myself too..

♥ your grace is sufficient

sunday

2010-07-18T15:41:00.003+08:00

i want a break!
from all these numbers and reports=( rah!

wishing i could be in svc today. heh.
and i'm wondering what is the right thing to do..
hmmm.. i dunno. haha.

many things about tmr i dont seem to understand
but i know who holds tmr
and i know who holds my hand (:

you are in control.
and you are for me! ^^

looking back

2010-07-18T00:39:00.002+08:00

was reading through some of my archives in this blog..

02/12/2009
"my whole life was about her.
what if her whole life wasnt about me?"
read that in the pact. it's kind of real isnt it. the fear of meaning nothing to someone who means everything to you. and sometimes we back down because of that fear. we hesitate to give for fear that it might not be reciprocated. out of that fear we choose to let go before the other person could. at least i see traces such stuff around in the real world.

anw i do miss some of those good old times. heh.

but well..
"The past is history,

the future is still a mystery

and today is a gift,

that is why it is called the present"

2010-07-13T20:43:00.001+08:00

seeing it now..

2010-07-09T00:50:00.002+08:00

aint going to sink any deeper.

you're more than enough for me ♥

(:

(:

2010-07-08T23:05:00.001+08:00

this innocence is brilliant
i hope that it will stay..

maybe i just shouldnt care anymore..

2010-07-08T00:45:00.005+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWsEJ510fzg

why is it so that despite all that i have done,
you still aint satisfied.
why do you have to make things so difficult for me.
why did you have to hurt me again with those words.
why kant you just try to understand.

sometimes,
i really feel like not caring bout you anymore.
to just ignore how you feel, and what you think.
just so that i wont get hurt.

faith!

2010-07-05T19:51:00.007+08:00

I would be lying if I said I wasnt disappointed today..

"If you see it with your head,
feel it with your heart,
you will hold it in your hand"
have faith gal, have faith.
even in the midst of disappointments..

but it's difficult. it really is.
when you had faith and failed.

tmr will be awesome(: yea!

together we can break down those walls. yes we can.

random: i should stop letting my mind run wild. heh.

quickie

2010-07-04T21:13:00.004+08:00

i like this feeling. yet i'm afraid.. its nothing.

i just realised a few hours ago that assignments are due tmr. awesome. haha. i have not done 2 yet!=/ rah. chiongggg ar!!! but i'm supposed to be doing bro's work -.-oh well. btw i am lagging by more than 10 days for bible reading. and i'm supposed to have submitted it last week=/ and there's ft1/2 exam (i dun rmb when). i will survive. yea!(:

i love shopping!!!!=D hehe. that's random. my bank acc is dying:(

anw i'm excited!!!XD for many many things. hee^^ hopefully the devil's advocate wont stand in my way. heh.

kk enough rambling! time to chiong assignments=/ (and do bro's work simultaneously)

slavery

2010-06-26T18:19:00.002+08:00

I really wish I could have more time and energy to do the things I want to do instead of being half dead just doing the things I have to do.

your grace is sufficient.

freedom

2010-05-25T15:47:00.007+08:00

opening up

its in your thinking

there's so many things i want to do,
but first, i got to do the things i have to do.

focus

2010-05-22T17:33:00.001+08:00

you're more than enough for me..

missing blogging

...

2010-04-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

does it matter?

because of you ♥

2010-04-21T23:15:00.005+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVhrIfaPKxw

"and you'll finally see the truth that a hero lies in you"
it's true, a hero lies in me.
and that hero is you..

"because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help"
i believe i can achieve my dreams, because of you(:

thx for all the breakthroughs.
but i know i'm not there yet.

at the end of the day,
let me rmb that its all because of you.
nothing without your grace..

thank you=)

2010-03-22T21:40:00.000+08:00

i like how i'm feeling right now(:

alright gtg. bye!

unwritten

2010-03-17T17:47:00.001+08:00

breaking down

2010-03-14T00:10:00.003+08:00

so after 2 weeks i finally couldnt resist the urge to blog. had wanted to blog bout some stuff but coming online and temporarily escaping everything made me lost the mood. anw cried from 730-1130. there's so much i want to say but i guess i shallnt. i dont want to start crying again. heh.

incomplete

2010-02-28T23:02:00.003+08:00

should focus on what i need to get done.

bye!(:

its all for you ♥

2010-02-21T21:49:00.001+08:00

recharge and get back up again(:

bleh

2010-02-17T23:18:00.003+08:00

i want to blog bout some stuff i was thinking bout. but well, i dont really know how to start. always had a problem with introductions. tsk tsk.

anw, i should be writing my overdue tip journal instead of blogging. i like writing journals but sometimes i just find it hard to write in my tip journal. which is probably why i kept procrastinating and spent my time slacking on the com instead of typing my journal during my free time during cny. heh. guess i just dont really like the fact that i have to submit my journal at the end of my internship.

misinterpreted messages.
i want you to know how i really feel..
but sometimes i just dont seem to be able to

tonight

2010-02-14T01:03:00.005+08:00

after months of thinking i have decided
that i'm gg to go to SOT this year=D yay!
which also means that my pathetic bank acc will be depleted of $1800=(

pretty pink stars in the skyXD
soooo naise!!! ^^

sometimes i do blame him for leaving.

sometimes i blame you for making him leave.

sometimes i blame no one for it.

sometimes i just dont want to care anymore.

(:

2010-02-13T17:44:00.002+08:00

tonight, you're gonna make my wish come true(:
thank you.

i waited for years..
finally its happening=)

recovery

2010-02-09T23:37:00.003+08:00

i'm fine now(: heh.

k back to work.
its almost 12 and i want to sleeeeep soon.
seriously sleep deprived=(

chilling out till late at night with yongning and elaine tmr=D hehe

my hiding place..

2010-02-09T22:30:00.009+08:00

all you see is the surface of things..
and i'm tired of trying to get you
to understand all the stuff beneath it.
you dont understand.
sometimes it seems like you just kant.
well, maybe you dont even really care to begin with.

i need an escape. and i'm turning to you.
you see the whole picture. only you.
the whole world may not understand, but you do.
his inconsideration led to my procrastination.
but right now i'm just going to put aside everything
and turn to you..

sidetrack.
the fact that i was from rj speaks little bout who i am.
it hardly says anything bout my life as well..
assumptions.
in certain situations it can really be annoying.
though of cos there are times where it works to my advantage.

once again, i'm faced with the harsh reality of life.
fairytales do exist in reality right?
its just that it aint the end yet right?
in the end it will still be a "happily ever after", wont it?

♥

2010-02-09T03:02:00.000+08:00

we are finally meeting again.. didn't think you will ask. both of us are such busy people... but yeap I am looking forward to that day! OUR OUTING! just for 2 of us =D

wols

2010-02-08T21:50:00.004+08:00

when the effect of glucose dies off
and fatigue sets in..

shut

2010-02-07T00:52:00.004+08:00

i had wanted to blog bout some stuff i was thinking bout. but i just lost the mood to do so. heh.

- had a great saturday last week=D went for cgm. cooked spag tgt aft that^^ went for svc with ebc(: ate prosperity meal at macs aft that before watching my ex with xt and ryan=D stayed over at ryan's house that night and had funXD
- watched toothfairy with besties on wed at town(: had dinner at superdog^^
- met priya for dinner at city hall on fri(: had a long dinner at jack's placeXD
- chionged bro's project throughout the week. had to keep last sunday free for him and didnt sleep at all on wed's night=( slept for ~5hrs for the other nights. sleep depriviation:(
- gg for svc tmr morning(: should be joining the cg for steamboat aft that ^^

words left unspoken. thoughts left unexpressed.

for you ♥

2010-02-02T22:01:00.002+08:00

you're the reason(:

there's a limit.

myopic

2010-02-01T17:54:00.001+08:00

that aint the only way to look at it..

updates

2010-01-28T23:16:00.011+08:00

"because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help"(:

but sometimes it seems like even you kant help..

i miss my hols! i miss slacking and hanging out with my close friends. heh. (and i realise that some of my blog posts during hols are really kind of vague and i had left out quite some stuff=() anw such activities have declined since internship started. It further declined as raymond tries to get me to do his project whenever i have free time. sometimes its just hard to find a time which fits everyone's schedule. sometimes i'm just too tired to do anything. heh.

random updates bout the past weeks
(just some stuff i rmb. heh.)
started piano lessons(: every thurs night.
didnt get pinky=( got reddy instead. i hate red btw.
class bbq last sun
aft hanging out with cg and dearest ebc at tamp(:
cine/313 with dhar last wed(:
last cgm of e493 last sat
went to the gym with bro twice and stopped. lol.
(i'm gaining weight again.)
bought some cheap stuff while shopping with bff at bugis 2 weeks ago(:
bff likes meeting at the playground late at night. haha(:
313 with mummy ♥
went back to rj after ages to collect a shirt -.-
mos and j8 with deb aft that(:
went for sl's grandma funeral. really hate funerals.

catching a horror movie on sat night with ryan and xt. we like to scare oursleves. haha.
looking forward to sabbath on sat=D

internship has been fun at times(: and of course there are times when its far from being fun. heh
shallnt elaborate here since i update my tip journal weekly anw. hee.

back to raymond's work..

deep within

2010-01-22T17:02:00.004+08:00

dont think you know everything
when you dont know anything.

a sense of fulfilment.
a joy that warms my heart.
a smile that comes from within.

helplessness.
willing to do so much yet able to do so little.

some things dont deserve your attention.
giving them undeserved attention merely holds you back.

i aint gonna let lies bother me.

"you search much deeper within through the way things appear"

its amazing how you light up my day

the climb

2010-01-12T20:27:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNkrzRLJeU8

hehe

2010-01-06T21:09:00.001+08:00

it was good=D haha. thx ^^

"all this i know but still.."
everywhere..

shhhh...

2010-01-05T21:22:00.001+08:00

i need some time alone. some silence.

before TIP

2010-01-04T21:27:00.010+08:00

my bro totally pissed me off last night and this morning. i do get angry. hee. anw after pissing me off so badly we were actually fine when he came back and he successfully made me chat with him for 2 hours. haha

read bout my personality in the afternoon. when i was supposed to be reading my info kit. heh. infjs dislike conflicts and try to avoid them. yet we still get into them sometimes. read an infj forum. and well it seems that sometimes that rule doesnt really hold when it comes to the people closest to us. and i guess at times certain traits do clash. for instance our strong belief in something could outweigh our dislike for conflicts which could lead to a conflict. or sometimes some ppl could be simply just too annoying and unreasonable like my bro was last night. haha.

anw found this random page bout infjs. most of it are true. but then again, it applies to some other types as well right? and well, there are clashes too.
http://zombiewatch.us/blog/?p=112

i didnt manage to complete half of what i had intended to do today. well i woke up at 12 and had lots of distraction. haha. days at home seem to be unproductive.

alright shall blog bout what i have been doing during my last days before TIP
31st dec - cedar homecoming=D countdown at ecp/changi with bff=)
1st jan - (window) shopping at town with xt ^^
2nd jan - pool with bro (noob me was watching him play the bulk of the time)
celebrated ding's bdae with deb ar bishan parkXD
3rd jan - svc and cg appreciation chalet(:

i'm blogging today cos its the last day before i start my internship (training) which means that my holiday will be paused. i'll get it back in 10 weeks ^^ haha. bye!!

life can get annoying at times. but overall its still great=D

show me

2010-01-04T13:08:00.003+08:00

hate it when i'm in an irritable mood. times when i get easily upset by myself, by the people around me and by the way things just aint the way they should be.

its really amazing how you almost always manage to cheer me up when i'm down even though you probably dont even realise it half the time

"there is a place i know i can run to and hide"

behind the walls..

mankind

2010-01-03T21:28:00.005+08:00

sometimes we expect of others what we ourselves fail to do. its kind of ridiculous. yet true.
some ppl seem to turn a blind eye to their own flaws while magnifying those of the ppl around them.
why do you give critical comments? out of love so the person could improve? simply because something irks you? out of jealousy (perhaps subconsiously)? to pull the person down?

insomnia

2009-12-31T00:49:00.007+08:00

its 1am and i'm awake when i have been sleep deprived and i have to get out of bed early tmr and will be staying out the whole night/morning tmr. well done. haha.

"never let you go" by janice is damn emo=(

internet kept dying on me the last few times i attempted to blog. just posted the last post i had typed ages ago. and i'm at a lost as to what to blog bout. there's so much stuff i have yet to blog bout.

i love chipmunks=D theodore is super duper cute!!! hahaha.

"sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart
is the only way to destiny"
but what if it isnt?
then again, maybe it has alr been said.
things aint the same anymore.

piano piano!(:
"innocence" by avril lavigne is really nice^^
i like the lyrics.
i ended 2007 loving this song
and even posted the lyrics on my blog
and used it as my blog bg music.
and now i'm ending 2009 with it. haha.

010109 - it was first spoken
010110 - to end it all or give it my all?

"i can live without you
i just dont want to.."
awwwww.. haha.

shall attempt to sleep again
and stop thinking bout food. heh.
*hugs tatty to sleep*

random blabberings

2009-12-26T12:08:00.012+08:00

"lolly lolly oh lollipop" ^^
i miss pretty princess. awww..
mummy can i have a
cute little kitten or puppy pretty please?(:
sleepovers=D shopping=) sleeping(: (alliteration!) haha.
cashless=(
been stuffing myself with lots and lots of food. seriously.
-bak kuh teh at 1am. unhealthy. tsk. but naise ^^
-7 cup of rice for 2 person -.- haha.
damn full but the foodie was naise ^^
-stuffed ourselves with food at steamboat
in an attempt to not waste food.
we are gonna sponsor a child=D i'm so excited!!! hehe.
holidays are fun!XD
christmassssss!!! hehe.
pressies and cards ^^ countdown! drama.
"it's more blessed to give than to recieve"
sometimes we hold back on our giving for fear that our giving will outweigh what we recieve. but will such a situation ever arise since we are giving out of what we had first recieved. even if we are giving something we worked hard for, it was still made possible cos we had first recieved the ability to work. (nvm if you dont get it. heh.)
sometimes we hold back on our giving out of
plain selfishness/greed:(
"if everyone cared.."
"where is the love?"
i love my family and friends!!!<3
kbox ^^ lalala. i kant sing=( haha
pasta success!XD (i'm a handicap in the kitchen=/)
airport! sleep depriviation. lol.
sand sea and sun=D
avatar is nice!
you think you know but actually you dont know.
so stop jumping to conclusions.
some people are just too concerned
bout what others think of them.
who you really are is more important
than who others say you are.
"nothing you say today is gonna bring me down"
you're more than enough for me(:
you are all i need(:

(:

2009-12-18T13:56:00.004+08:00

life has been great=)

anw i'm spending my day at home today ^^ realised from my schedule that the last time i spent a day at home was more than 2 weeks ago. heh. and there's stuff i need/want to get done at home today. but i'm stuck in bed cos of stupid cramps. grrr..

"some people think
that the physical things
define whats within

and i've been there before
but that life's a bore
so full of the superficial"

back!

2009-12-15T09:38:00.006+08:00

havent been blogging. i miss blogging (which is why i'm typing this post). blogging has been a part of my life for years. haha. but i guess i wont be blogging as much now.

freedom from guilt..
i finally got over it(:
and i miss you..

all imperfections are made perfect in you..

up again=)

away..

2009-12-06T08:21:00.000+08:00

wont be updating for a while.. bye!

prom

2009-12-06T08:17:00.002+08:00

home sweet home! back from prom(:

prom was fine(: except for the fact that i kant hold my smile properly with thick make up on and dont look nice in photos=( eeee! anw stayed over in the hotel room with deb yumin and yujiao.

alright gtg for svc with bro now(:

happy birthday=D

2009-12-05T01:08:00.005+08:00

my head is spinning. haha. i'm not drunk. just a little red and dizzy. heh. so this post gonna be short and sweet ^^

i'm 18=D hahaha.

went shopping with mummy(: bought necklace, heels and clutch for prom(: bout watch and bag(: had lunch at fish and co with mummy and bros(:

went to meet besties deb and cheryl aft that=) watched new moon at vivo(: they gave me a tatty bear card, a best friend care bear and a pair of ripples slippers(: had dinner at a jap restaurant(:

went to meet elaine and yongning at clarke quay(: they gave me a soft toy(: and yongning is buying me shiny powder as my 2nd gift. hehe. anw, bro came very late. tsk. went to rebel(: drank vodka. danced with bro and them. anw rebel is quite "touchy".

alright end of post.

thanks to my wonderful friends who made this year's bdae so enjoyable=D

i'm so happy!=D

2009-12-04T06:47:00.005+08:00

i'm up blogging at 650am in the morning. my body clock is still screwed=/

but anw back to the tittle of this post=D shall blog bout the eve of my bdaeXD

went shopping with priya=) and she bought me a nice necklace for my bdae=) my 2nd pressie^^ anw priya has good taste. and so if both of us think that the necklace is nice it is nice ^^ haha. oh and there are like 5 ways to wearing the necklace. so cool. and i was shocked when priya offered to get it for me cos its not cheap. how can something so nice be cheap ^^ hee.

shopped with priya for her prom dress(: i tried on a few dresses too. there were a few nice party dress but it doesnt have the glam look. tsk. haha. we shopped from bugis to cityhall (marina square) to orchard. she found a dress in the end(: i found it! haha. its nice(: but it doesnt have the glam look! anw we shopped for a long long time. like for almost 7 hours. i like shopping=D

went to ps to meet ebc to celebrate my bdae=) had dinner at crystal jade=) their treat ^^ sat at the staircase outside and chat while drinking barley(:

ok and here's the climax:
xt passed me her bag and i was supposed to find my pressie in there myself. i was surprised that they bought me a pressie^^ cos xt had actually forgot that we were even supposed to meet to celebrate my bdae ytd. and that was what i was upset about (just for a while 2 nights ago). i had asked xt what time were we meeting the next day. and she asked "for what":( so i was like nvm cos ryan probably forgot too. but no baby didnt forget ^^ we were having a group convo on msn and ryan asked what time were we meeting the next day. hee. and xt thought that ryan and i conspire to lie to her cos she thought the plan was to celebrate in genting. haha. and ryan asked her if it was supposed to be a surprise. but she just really forgot. it's ok everyone makes mistakes(: anw so i was looking through xt bag. and couldnt find anything except her pathetic pencil case. hahaha=P then xt said it would be better if i felt for it with my eyes closed instead. so ryan covered my eyes and i continued searching for the pressie. and after a long time xt took my hand and put it on something fury=D tatty bear lover me could tell it was a tatty immediately ^^ hehe. she made me grab its feet and it was big! hahaha. tatty bears are expensive. which is why even though i'm such a fan of tatty bear i dont have any. even i have to admit that they are over priced. so i was expecting a small little tatty not a big huggable tatty. yes the tatty they got for me is big and huggableXD anw its from my dearest bff, ryan (ie. members of ebc), isaac, seowli, william and hongyun!=D awwwwwww.... i was really really really damn happy=D hehe.

continued chatting ^^ played games like saying the thing we hate most bout each other. heh. and ryan couldnt think of anything for me cos everything bout me is so likeble! hee. he ended up saying that he hate the fact that i love pink so much. stunned. haha. i love pink!!!! xt hated the fact that i think too much sometimes. i hate that too. heh.

walked from ps to orchard(: and they laughed at me saying that i looked like a homeless person wearing ryan's oversized jacket and carrying a big box that contained tatty. haha. oh oh anw xt managed to hide tatty from me initially cos she lied to me and told me that the box was her council stuff. tsk. hahaha. and her acting was so pro i totally didnt suspect a thing. so bad but i like ^^ hee. we walked and walked and walked and crap annd talk. hahaha.

was out from bout 11am to 1115pm(: came back at 1115pm from paranormal on tues too. but i was a good gal and stayed at home on tues. hehe. i like staying out late ^^

thx priya for the beautiful necklace=D i love shopping with priya!XD haha.
and thx ebc for the wonderful night!=D love hanging out with your ^^
thx bff ryan isaac seowli william and hy for tatty=D love it and love your!
and thx all who sms/wish me happy bdae=)

and only 7 hrs 45 min of my bdae had passed. hehe.
gonna go shopping with mummy and buy my beautiful pair of heels. its really really beautiful. my hours of shopping paid off. hee. oh and to buy my clutch and necklace which are not extremely nice but still nice. haha. bros will join us to shop for their stuff after that. and we are having lunch out to celebrate my bdae=) i like family celebrations=D its been ages since we had one. i'm usually the only one who actually bothers bout bdaes at home. heh.
meeting besties cheryl and deb after that=D we are going to watch twilight and have dinner(:
may be gg clubbing with yongning elaine and my bro after that=D

thinking

2009-12-03T10:29:00.004+08:00

sometimes i read too much into things..
sometimes i think i read too much into things
though that aint the case..

shallnt think too much.
i dont want to think bout such stuff. not now.
i dont want to be bothered by such stuff now.

shall watch a little k drama to help me snap out of this mood.

thinking if i should go for the post prom elaine invited me to. yongning will be gg. and i want to go too(: esp since we are supposed to be in sunway lagoon now if not for the fact that i couldnt go. heh. anw i dunno if i shld go for the post prom cos it will be on the night i come back from genting and i still have to go for my internship briefing the next day. hmmm.. this is where cba comes in. haha.

gtg get ready to go shopping with priya soon=) a great day aheadXD

drama

2009-12-03T09:55:00.003+08:00

crap. i just got myself addicted to you're beautiful. everyone kept telling me that its really nice. and it is. and that's the problem. haha. i shall try to resist temptations.

i still think golden hair boy is kinda cuteeee ^^
and the other two are suave. haha

my desire..

2009-12-03T08:37:00.002+08:00

more than what this world offers
you are my only treasure
my world means nothing without you..

this world will never be able to satisfy the idealist/perfectionist in me.
that's something only you can do..

early morning..

2009-12-03T07:44:00.003+08:00

a couple of months ago i had to reformat my laptop and lose everything in here=( i was sad that all my photos were gone:( then a few days ago my hardisk spoilt=/ so i lose all the photos in there too=( and now my photobucket acc is deactivated and i kant rmb my acc info to retrieve it. and all my albums are locked so i kant even get in to view them to get them back. this sucks.

anw sometimes i really get annoyed by how i can get so upset or pissed off. but well i guess its just the downside of being emotional. you get to feel the ups of life more strongly but that means that you will have to feel the downs of life more strongly too. there's two sides to everything in life i guess. anw i dont usually stay angry for long. but well, being in a state of anger for a mere 5min is sufficient to make you do stuff you will later regret..

even as i'm pondering over this i kant help but think that you give me the best advice. you told me to always rmb to depend on god and not my own strength. at that point of time i didnt think that i would need that reminder, but i did. you taught me that its not always bout how i feel.. it took me time to see that it is true that while my feelings can be an asset it can be a hindrance too.

what if..

2009-12-02T21:38:00.005+08:00

"my whole life was about her.
what if her whole life wasnt about me?"
read that in the pact. it's kind of real isnt it. the fear of meaning nothing to someone who means everything to you. and sometimes we back down because of that fear. we hesitate to give for fear that it might not be reciprocated. out of that fear we choose to let go before the other person could. at least i see traces such stuff around in the real world..

emo songs

2009-12-02T19:44:00.004+08:00

i didnt spam posts today even though i was home almost the whole day! haha. maybe typing the right way just deterred me from doing so. but i still like blogging(:

i was looking for the song sometimes by britney which bff and i heard on the cab on our way home. and i found the lyrics of sometimes by natalie imbruglia. and i thought some parts of it sounded like me.

your forgot=( nvm its ok.

anw xt found the emo song we heard in the dress shop ytd.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RX65clTr250
other emo songs i have been listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZzrt0GZosk&feature=fvw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_67zVnK9PY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_ywEWneMBA

i kant stand typing this way. but i'm determined to master it! and become as pro as my bro!

shopping again tmr!=D yay!

oh and i kant believe that the 3 of us were so guilible. but then again we were not the only ones. many ppl were fooled too. so that incident was just an exception and does not accurately reflect out level of intelligence. haha.

wow!

2009-12-02T11:43:00.004+08:00

i just made an amazing discoveryXD

the proffesor in Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morries is a sociology professor! so cool! hahaha. and since Mitch Albom is his student so i suppose that means that he studied sociology too. hee.

anw i'm trying to apply my newly acquired typing skills by typing this post using the proper fingerings instead of using only 2 fingers. and its tough. typing with 2 fingers is so much easier and faster.

staying at home often equates to spammage of blog posts. haha.

the plan

2009-12-02T09:42:00.003+08:00

i'm not scared anymore! yay!=D haha.

i'm going to stay at home today. i'm gg to clear my room and do some online stuff with my bro. and of course i'm gg to slack on the com and read my books(: oh and i gtg to tpy to buy a driving theory book! bro and i are gonna learn how to driveXD

freaked out

2009-12-02T07:27:00.009+08:00

i am scared. yes i still am kind of scared. was freaking damn terrified and traumatised last night. i was trembling and my heart beat damn fast on my way home. after i reached home, i made sure my bro was with me everywhere i go. and i held his hand throughout the whole night while i was sleeping. and when i woke up in the middle of the night, i would hug my soft toy dog damn tightly. i didnt dare get out of bed at 6 this morning. and when i finally decided that it was bright enough to wake up at 715, i woke my young bro up to wait outside the toilet for me as i wash up. and now i'm staying in my room instead of gg into the living room cos my bro is still in the room and there's no one in the living room. i know i sound real timid. but paranormal activity is seriously no joke. if you hate anyone and would like to get back at that person, just trick him/her into watching it. its a million times scarier than esther (ie. orphan).

ok, i think i have successfully calmed myself down (even though my heart is still beating rather fast). anw, i shall blog bout some light hearted stuff(:

met ebc at city hall ytd=D they were late! ryan had some meeting in school. and xueting was addicted to dramas -.- so i shopped by myself for 1hr first. actually shopping alone has its own benefits too. hee. anw xt finally came aft 1 hr(: we went to marina square and attempted to look for a dress but to no avail. found a quite nice necklace though(: went over to suntec after that to find the clutch shop i rmb seeing years back. and we found it!XD but the clutches there dont seem as nice as what i rmb them to be. but anw, found a quite nice one there(: sadly it doesnt come in the kind of silver i was looking for. so i guess i'll buy the black one. went back to citylink to meet ryan(: and i bought the pink dress (not for prom) i saw before they came. cos they thought it was nice too(: and the shop was having a sale ^^ haha. oh i didnt mention that when i left the house xt called me to remind me to make a list of stuff i'm supposed to buy, which are all the prom stuff, so that i do not end up buying anything else. but while i was walking around tpy before gg over to city hall, i bought another wallet. and while waiting for them i bought face mask from guardian. heh. anw, we decided to go over to clarke quay cos i wanted to see the dresses there(: our journey there was humorous. ok, actually our whole day was humorous. we were laughing and laughing like mad. hahaha. couldnt find a dress at central too=( maybe its just that my figure sucks and i kant carry off those dresses nicely. oh oh, but people from a modelling agency approached me while i was waiting for xt and ryan! someone approached me before i went into guardian and when i came out a different person came up to me again. so my figure kant be that bad right. haha. anw seems like i will very likely have to stick with my old dress. its better than getting a new not really nice dress. found a quite nice pair of heels at suntec though(: ok, so we went back to city hall after that. the trip back was even funnier than the trip to clarke quay. ate at aston=) nice! haha. walked to carrefour after that and we got tired and decided to rest at a bench. and that was the turning point of our life..

xt suggested watching pa. and ryan and i agreed. it was a wrong decision. the worst decision we ever made. at the beginning of the show, xt was complaining that it was boring and she felt like sleeping. i'm sure she changed her opinion midway though. every "night" we would all get real scared and held on to each other and xt would scream. and as the nights progressed it got worse and worse. its just plain freaky. and i kept having freaky thoughts. i prayed myself to sleep last night i'm gg to pray to ask god for his protection and peace after my bro wakes up and get out of the room. i'm not gg to watch such horrid movies again.

i dunno what's with me and long posts now. haha.

it's looooong

2009-12-01T08:22:00.011+08:00

i kind of dont mind my screwed up body clock now(: in fact i like it! haha. i like the fact that i can easily get out of bed at 6am and get so much stuff done before 9 ^^ i know i'm mad waking up so early on a holiday. but i kant help it that my body clock is screwed up. so i might as well make the best out of it right. heh.

i felt horrible when i went to bed last night. and i guess its kind of easy to tell when i'm pissed off or upset since i wear my heart on my sleeves. haha. so my (sometimes) caring (to a limited few ppl) bro kept asking me what's wrong. and eventually i ended up ranting to him. hee. it's great to have an older bro like him(: i couldnt have imagined myself saying that years back. i really used to hate him to the core. hahaha. but i love him now!XD anw on sun night i realised that my bro could piggy back me and jump! i was shocked. haha. i didnt know he was that strong. and apparently quite a lot of ppl think that he's good-looking (my young bro is definitely cuter though ^^) haha. oh and he's very very very capable. and so he insist that i am blessed to have a bro like him. ego. but i guess its somewhat true. heh.

anw cleared some stuff this morning. went for a jog(: i never really thought that i would like jogging. i guess its the feeling of running away from everything that i like. maybe i am really an escapist. haha. oh priya and i are supposed to go to tpy gym one day(: and she suggested volunteering at world vision tgt(: anw, read a chapt of tuesdays with morrie (which i just bought ytd ^^). i read the book before but i still bought it cos its the best book i have ever come across. a book definitely worth keeping. i rmb reading it in sec3. it was an eril book. and eileen and i were supposed to keep exchanging tuesdays with morries and roll of thunder with each other so that at the end of the year i will be able to keep tuesdays with morries and she can keep roll of thunder. but our plan failed cos miss janice tan came out with a systematic way to exchange the books. grrr. and the thing is that she made us do it only once. so lame. haha. oh oh and on my way back from physics i was flipping through the popular catalogue and saw that mitch albom new book is only 20bucks at popular! it was originally 32. heh. i want it! but i just got 2 books. hee. maybe i'll ask mummy for it a few weeks later before the promotion is over. oh oh and i saw the outliers in kino when i was with priya ytd and wanted to buy that as well. but i should just borrow it from deb(:

this is going to be a long post cos i just feel like blogging(: even though all the stuff i'm typing now are just so lame. but well it's my blog i can type whatever i wantXD hehe.

read a few pages of the pact too(: it's really nice. and well, i just thought of something mummy said to me recently while reading it. i guess that every parent desires to know his/her child inside out. and they do get disappointed when they realise that they are somewhat strangers with their own flesh and blood. mummy thought bro was an introvert. he is far from being an introvert. i am an introvert but he's really not at all. and when mummy heard that bro's personality profile said that he was an extrovert she was shocked and said "i guess i dont really know your that well". and when she heard that my personality profile said that i can be secretive at times she kind of asked me not to be secretive towards her. but really, i kant imagine telling her all the stuff i blog about. let alone everything bout me. i have been trying to for the past year though.. it's just difficult. really. i'm an introvert. haha.

anw i'm in a 165 bucks debt. uh-oh. i can claim 50bucks from mummy though(: hee. maybe i should withdraw money from my bank. heh. and did i mention that i dont intend to save any of the money i'm going to earn during my hols. mps=0 mpc=1. no actually mps=0.2 cos i'm forced to put 20% of my pay into cpf=( my bro and i kant wait for me to get my first pay! haha. but we still have a long way to go. maybe i should withdraw money from my bank first. something which i could never bear to do. heh.

i'm going shopping again later=D and i think that maybe i'll continue hunting for a dress for prom. cos i want a really nice one! alright i shall go spend my precious time wisely now(:

ok but before i go i got to blog bout this. i was thinking if i still want to be a teacher. i still have time decide after my internship. but still i kant help but ponder over it now. heh. anw, i dont really like the education system in singapore. and that's what's detering me from being a teacher. the 3 teachers whom i really admire: mr chua, mr yap, mr yau.

mr chua: ok, this is going to sound real stupid. so do keep in mind that i was only 7 then. haha. we were given milo coupons for sports day and my form teacher told the class that if we were to lose the vouchers we would die. hahaha. and a few days later i lose it=( i got real scared and cried. grandpa found out what happened and decided to bring me to school (which is just walking distance) so that i would stop crying. i dunno why but we ended up speaking to mr chua even though he doesnt even teach me. he laughed a little, told me it was ok and gave me a whole stack of milo coupons. hahaha. so my friends and i had like endless supply of milo that day. ok it's such a lame story. anw, when i was in p2 i lived with my maternal grandparents. and daddy was supposed to come over to fetch me to school every morning. and he's always late. so i ended up being late for school almost the whole year. but mr chua being so nice and understanding made sure that i dont get booked for it ^^ so i was only booked once that whole year though i was late almost everyday. and the reason why i was booked that one time was cos he wasnt there that day. and in p3 he was my math teacher=D his lessons are interesting(: and he's one of the few teachers that actually really notices me in class. well, as miss joyce tan puts it "i'm as quiet as a mouse" -.- anw, at the end of p4, i went back to moulmein to buy my textbooks for the next year. that was the last time i stepped into moulmein. cos we were merging with swiss cottage to form bhps. it didnt occur to me that that would be the last time i would see mr chua too. i was walking home with my mum. a car drove past us. suddenly it reversed and stopped right beside us. mr chua popped out his head from the window and passed me a soft toy fish. he's just so nice(: its one of the soft toys i sleep with every night now.

mr yap: he's really different. he was my form teacher in p6. i rmb the first english lesson we had with him. it was like a gp lesson. haha. at the end of the lesson, he gave us some homework. but the next day none of us did it cos all of us did not understand what he was talking bout. hahaha. anw he kind of believes in me. i guess that's one thing i like bout him. i never really thought that i was actually ever good at english. and now my english is really horrid after years of neglecting it and speaking/typing in ah-lian language=( fine its not that bad. but anw, i really never thought that i was good at english. but he did. he made me go for the english new south wales competition which i got a disticntion or high distiction for. something i never expected. i got a distinction for science in sec school. but getting it for eng is just different. i was among just a few students who got it and went up on stage to recieve my cert(: hee. he selected me for the commonwealth essay competition (which i only found out about the day before the deadline of submission. lol.) and for the scrabbles competition though i didnt know how to play scrabble at all too. hahaha. anw the english tutor i had in sec3 was somewhat like that too. she was real nice and encouraging. its different when people say nice stuff just to try to make you feel good and when ppl really believe in you. the difference between those eng lessons i had with her and those i had in sch was that in a sense in her lessons its ok to make mistakes. its just different. anw mr yap often organises outings for us. and he taught xt and i impt lessons in life like "treat others the way you want others to treat you" and "you are who you think you are". haha. heard that he went to thailand to teach after we left. given his capability he could be doing other stuff that could be earning him big bucks. but he chose not to.

mr yau: my physics teacher in sec4. i got an A2 for physics for O's. even though i was consistently getting A1s in sec3 and 4. and sometimes i do think that maybe if mr yau had spent less time telling us stories and more time teaching instead i would have mantained my A1. but if i were given a choice, i would still have chosen to learn bout life from his perspective even if that means that i will have to forgo an A1. he's a really interesting guy. haha. he gave me much insights into life. and one thing i rmb him saying was what he said in our first lesson. he asked us which lesson do we think is the most important lesson in sch. and he gave the ans that i had on my mind but as usual didnt dare to voice out: character education. equipping someone with a screwed up character would pose as a hazzard rather than a blessing.

the similarity these 3 teachers shared (aside from the fact that they are all guys. haha.) is that they did not conform to the cirriculum and did not allow themselves to be restricted by it. they went beyond the textbooks, even if that means that students' grades could be affected. that aint easy. i'm sure that there are many teachers who wish to do the same too, but they kant do so without too great a negative impact on their students' grades, which are percieved as of utmost importance in this society.

i'm excited for my internship=) yet at the same time, i'm fearful. i know that the sch i have been posted to aint anything like cedar. but isnt that what i asked for?
anw i want to experience what it's like being a pri sch teacher and working at mcys too! hahaha.

alright i have spent an hour typing away.gtg do the stuff i have to do now. bye!

shop!

2009-11-30T22:25:00.005+08:00

went shopping with priya at bugis after today's physics mcq=D bought a new pair of heelsXD its supposed to be for prom but it doesnt match my dressss! but mummy say i can buy another one(: anw, i have kind of given up finding a new dress:( all the dresses i see are really not that nice. my old dress aint that nice on me anymore too. eeeee! hopefully i'll still be able to find a nice one. but i have alr went to lots of places! nvm. it's just prom. haha. i like shopping=D but i dont like it when i have to buy something and i dont really have much time to get something real nice:( i dont want to buy it just for the sake of buying it. but anw shopping with priya is still niceXD had dinner at some restaurant and went to starbucks for dessert supper(:

alright i'm tired. i had a great time with priya and really enjoyed myself.. but i'm kind of feeling frustrated right now. mood swings? i dont think so.

sweeet card..

2009-11-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

when i was little,
i daydreamed about the sort of person
i would love someday...
i pretended i would find someone out of a fairy tale
someone wonderful
who wasnt like anyone else in the world...

when i grew up,
i stopped believing in love,
because things never seemed to work out
the way i hoped they would..
but then somebody came along
and changed my life
in a way i never thought possible...

i must be luckier than most people,
because my dream really has come true...
i love someone wonderful,
someone who isnt like anyone else in the world..
i love you.

=D

2009-11-29T16:24:00.007+08:00

home sweet home(: ok, i really need to study for physics mcq which is tmr! all i have accomplished: 8 chapts of mcqs. that took me days. and i have 12 more chapts to go=(

went for sun svc=D finally back at sun svc(: svc was gooood(: hahaha. the word was on dreams(: it's kind of related to what i blog bout before i left the house this morning. hee. anw i like dreams ^^ cg celebrated my bdae(: i got my first bdae pressie(: it's a book ryan recommended(: i trust ki student's recommendation. hahaha.

went to sitex to find pinky but... everyone loves pink! for the nice models, pink is sold out=( and for the not-so-nice models, they just aint that nice:( no pinky for meeee:(

went to tamp to meet ryan with bff aft that(: bought my teeny weeny schedule(: i got myself in a $100 debt in like 4 days!!! ebc t-shirts, wallet, coin purse, pumps, schedule, nice food. hahaha! went to bugis to buy ryan's stuff aft that. used the $15 dc donut vouchers mummy gave me!=D i may be broke but i still have vouchers to spendXD hee. bought drinks and it came with free donuts. hahaha. anw we talked and laughed like madXD

one more weeeeeeeek!!!!!!=D we kant wait!

alright, no more blogging for me. at least not until physics mcq is over. i just realised physics is in the aftnn! haha. so i'll have more time to make up for my days of slacking. hee.

seeing some stuff makes me happy ^^

the future..

2009-11-29T07:02:00.006+08:00

i'm a dreamer, often living in the future..
at times i just feel so excited for the great things i know i'm going to accomplish in life. at such times my heart is simply overflowing with faith. yet at other times, fear just seems to overwhelm me. thoughts that perhaps my dreams will always remain as mere dreams and what lies ahead in reality is nothing but a nightmare.

success in my career. all along i had never really had a strong desire to really excel in my job. i just found it meaningless to spend my life slogging out for something so superficial - the pursuit of wealth, power and fame. but now that i have a clearer picture of the direction i'm heading towards, i no longer see my career as a job, no longer do i see it as the pursuit of glory and riches. rather i perceive it to be a way for me to make a difference in this world, to impact lives and touch others. a way to fulfil my desire of making this broken world a better place. and that's what i want to achieve. and the first big step to getting there is for me to excel in uni. i really want to. i fought so hard, with myself, with people's expectations of me, before finally deciding to take the step of faith and follow the voice in my heart. i certainly hope it wouldnt disappoint me.

sometimes i really wonder if i would be able to find my mr perfect. it's easy to get a guy. easy even to get a good guy. but i kant say the same thing bout getting a perfect guy. at times i do wonder if the fairytale i had believed in when i was young would ever come to pass. and i know that i wont settle for second best. cos what's second best aint best at all. it's all or nothing at all. if i kant get what i want, i would rather have nothing. i used to have this idea that i would only embark on something if i believe that i can do well in it, that i can give my best to it. but as time goes by, i learn that sometimes it is ok to embark on something even if it means that you'll end up failing, even when you kant give your all to it. but i guess when it comes to love, the all or nothing at all principle still holds. and that's what i see myself with years from now: all or nothing at all.

god. when you hear that nothing is impossible, its easy to start dreaming bout the most ridiculous stuff. i want the presence of god to be so strong and real in my life. i want to be anointed for great works. to be able to cause people to fall under the presence of god, to be able to heal the sick and bring deliverance to the oppressed.

friends. to me genuine friendships are supposed to last forever. i had never saw the need to have a wide social circle or many acquaintances. what had mattered to me wasnt popularity but true friends. friendships which aint temporial. years from now, how many/which of the friendships i have would be able to stand the test of time?

and now its time to live in the present..

critical shot

2009-11-29T06:37:00.006+08:00

once again my body clock is screwed and i'm up at 6+

"you look for all that's wrong instead of all that's right"

sometimes i just can't stand the fact that i'm such a critical person. i never really saw myself as a critical person. not until rather recently. but i guess that as much as i hate to admit it, it is a fact that i am critical. of myself, of the people around me and practically of everything else, living or non-living. and being critical is a vicious cycle. you start off by being critical bout something/someone. and the next moment you are critical bout yourself being critical. and it goes on and on and on.. i really dont understand why i have to give myself and the people around me so much pressure. i hate having to live up to others expectations. yet ironically here i am placing such high expectations on myself and others. why do i have to make myself feel that i'll never be good enough? why do i have to make others feel that way too? anw, being critical does not equate to being judgemental or condemning. as much as i perceive myself as a critical bitch, i certainly do not think that i'm judgemental or condemning.

paradox: you're perfect in my eyes..

great day(:

2009-11-28T23:10:00.003+08:00

home!(: my legs ache. haha. and i'm feeling a little of the effects of lack of sleep:( but aside from that.. i had a great day today!=D

went for cgm(: and i'm glad offering turned out fine(: yay! went to hougang mall for a while after that before..

the highlight of the day: ebc outing at town=D it was awesome (voice goes high)! hahaha. love your like no motherXD more bout outing on ebc blog (if we are not too lan) (:

dreams(:

2009-11-28T08:06:00.003+08:00

it's 8am in the morning! haha. woke up at 6 again for no reason. i know i sound mad. but seriously my body clock is just screwed. i kant sleep past 530. even when i go to bed at 2. so anw, slacked on the com and continued preparing offering msg (which i'm still not done with). went for a jog after that(: jogged on wed as well. and my stamina was horribly horrible. it wasnt that bad today though. did i mention that i got a perfect score of 30 for napfa this year=D i'm so fittt!!! hahaha!

k, this reminds me of a msn convo i had with ding recently. i was telling him bout my plan to work in either moe or mcys after i graduate from uni. and he asked what mcys stands for. and of course nice me told him it stands for ministry of community development youth and sports. and he said that i could do community development and youth while implying that i kant do sports:( but anw we concluded that i'm a fit furry ferretXD hee.

mummy and i were talking bout my ambition again ytd. haha. oh btw i didnt know ytd was a public hol! until deb told me she couldnt go to the lib cos it was closed. no wonder my mum didnt go to work. haha. anw my parents are finally accepting it(: actually daddy was only shocked initially but was fine with it in like 15min. hahaha. and i was telling mummy bout "hang hang chu zhuang yuan"XD but sometimes i really doubt my ability. anw, mummy is still hoping that i would have a tough time during my moe internship and wake up from my dream and take up a science or engineering course in uni instead. i told her that would never happen. hahaha! and evil her tried to make my bro change my mind by reminding him that my low-paying job would mean that i wont have money to give to my bro! evil!!!! hahaha. but well, bro and i have decided that we'll probably be starting our own business=D and seriously speaking if i do manage to excel in what i like to do the prospects are kind of good tooXD heh.

i can almost see it

that dream i'm dreaming

but there's a voice inside my head saying

"you'll never reach it"

keep your faith..

ehb!

2009-11-28T00:19:00.001+08:00

i have successfully stopped emoing. finally(: haha. and now i feel like a retard laughing like mad at my com screen. EHB cheers me up=D hahaha

emo

2009-11-27T23:26:00.001+08:00

i'm so saddddd=(

maybe its time someone wakes me up from this dream and fantasy..

magnum maddness

2009-11-27T19:15:00.003+08:00

back from dessert with bff(:

went with bff to ntuc before that. met mummy there. and she was supposed to buy me magnum. but she bought a substitute instead=( its not the sameeee!!! eeeeeks! i miss magnum:( its irreplacable. guess i'm addicted to magnum. tried to break the addiction but failed. seems like i'll only be able to break free from this addiction when i find another heavenly ice-cream or when i finally realise that magnum aint really as nice as it seems. i know i sound crazy being so infatuated with an ice-cream. haha. yes magnum has driven my insane. and right now i'm so stupidly in love with it. hahaha.

pinkyXD

2009-11-27T15:14:00.003+08:00

i'm gonna get my pink mini laptop this sun=D yipeee! i want a pretty pink mini laptop. and it shall be named pinkyXD

that would mean less time to study=/ and i have not studied since i stopped this morning (at 15 mcq qns). uh-oh. maybe i should attempt to do mcqs again. hais. but i'm really not in the mood!

it's still that way..

2009-11-27T12:36:00.001+08:00

"things r no longer e same, everything ve changed... its like everything is merely an illusion... it had all seemed so real but it seems 2 b dissapearing... n it hurts 2 c things slowly b ing taken away, 2 return 2 reality... its juz like when we were kids, everything seemed so perfect, no worries, no heartbreak, nothing... e future seemed so bright, everything seemed truly possible, so attainable, e perfect life appeared 2 lie ahead , within our grasp... but soon, it all seems so unlikely, so impossible, all dat we had dreamt of... exposed 2 e real world of heartaches, misery... everything seems so complicated now... its like something b ing gold-plated... it seems so great, so valuable, so attractive... however beneath it juz lies something worthless, slowly b ing exposed... sometimes i would really rather nt c e gold at all... cos it really hurts 2 c wat u thot belongs 2 u slip away... when wat others had once say no longer holds, when u c how things really works, when their treatment 2wards u change... it hurts"

that was in july 06. i guess some things have yet to change.

pre-destination

2009-11-27T11:38:00.008+08:00

i kant go shopping today anymore=( i need to do my physics mcqs. and given my current level of productivity (ie. approx 15qns in 3 hours) and the fact that i have only dedicated today and sun aftnn for studying i guess i kant afford to shop:( but mummy says we'll go on tues=D and i'll be out tmr too=D and mon=D so its ok! haha.

i like this song! hee.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_ywEWneMBA

magnum is truly irresistible. i really did try to stop my cravings for magnum. but i guess i failed:( i kant stand it anymore. i'm gg to ask mummy to buy magnum from ntuc later(:

i was reading my bro's personality type to him while he was lazing on bed. and my mum had to come in when we were on the part on sexual intimacy. haha. anw my mum ended up listening to my bro's profile (twice cos he made me repeat it. grrrr.) and mine as well. and she pointed out something rather interesting. our personalities are rather well reflected by our chinese names. which were specially picked. so who we turn out to be was already determined before we were even born? or maybe its just social conditioning. being shaped the way ppl expect you to turn out hence eventually turning out that way. the latter is unlikely though. heh.

"if i say it like i mean it,
then maybe i'll believe it like it's true.."
it doesnt really work right.

you told me i'm a genius.
yet you're making me feel like i'm such a fool..
how ironic.

whoo!XD

2009-11-27T07:32:00.003+08:00

woke up at 6 cos my body clock is screwed up again. eeeeeks! haha. attempted to practise typing. decided to attempt to do physics mcq. stopped after 5 qns -.- and somehow ended up on fb. eeeee! ok, i shall attempt to do physics mcq again. so that maybe i can go shopping with mummy and young bro later=D

i shall blog bout my day ytd(:

went to cine with raymond ytd=) my dear beloved (older) bro. hahaha. its been ages (like years. fine 1 year plus.) since we went out tgt. played poolXD he only won 1 out of 5 sets!!!! i shallnt elaborate cos it looks good this way ^^ went to kbox after that. and he says that i sing ai mei very naise!!! omg! someone praise my singing leh. hahaha. it was fun hanging out with bro, who have been out having fun with his dear friends on days i was busy mugging. grrrrr..

bff came to town to meet me after that(: finally bought our pumps! hee. went to look at some dress and shoes and clutch. kant find naise ones=( i'm not gg to buy a dress if i dont think that it looks nicer than my old one. even though my mum who has been surprisingly generous these days dont mind paying for it(: hehe. but i really want a nice clutch, heels and necklace!!! stuff that i can use even after prom(: bought wax for smooth legsXD hahaha. and a nice silver wallet i have been eyeing!!! ate at crystal jade till we were bursting! hahaha.

more shopping on sat and mon!!!=D today and sun aftnn are meant for studying=/ but i wanna go shopping with my mummy today!!!!!

fun!=)

2009-11-26T23:56:00.000+08:00

today is such a happy and fun day!=D whoo!XD

lalala

2009-11-26T10:05:00.001+08:00

i really want to be able to play the piano!!! but i still have a long long way to go.. haha.

emotions

2009-11-26T08:37:00.003+08:00

i didnt really realise till rather recently how important emotions are to me. learning bout oneself seems to be more intriguing than anything else you can learn about the universe. watching the mystery behind this little being you spend your whole life with unfurl before your eyes is indeed intriguing. realising that you couldnt find a simple answer to it all simply cos the answer was never simple to begin with.

words seem to be closely tied to emotions. words spoken with sincerity by a loved one. words in the form of lyrics. words in beautiful letters and cards. and not forgetting words in books. to feel the way the characters are feeling. to allow their thoughts to enter your mind. i like it when a particular line in a book stirs up a whole series of emotions within me. often i would just pause and immerse myself in those emotions. maybe that's why my pace of reading is freaking slow. cos to me it isnt really bout the story, but the feelings behind the story..

poor me who have been deprived of reading is falling in love with it again now(: